Vermont Personals Critic

I spend a lot more time looking at Craigslist than I should. I mostly browse the free, collectibles, garage sales, and general sale categories, but when I'm seriously procrastinating I'll go through numerous other listings including the personals. I find them equal parts terrifying and hilarious, especially the 'casual encounters' folks. I've wondered if anyone else out there appreciated our deranged local lonely hearts in same way I do, and today I found out that the answer to that question is 'yes' (I should be cleaning the apartment but am exploring numerous paths of distraction instead of doing it).

If you go to Vermont CL's men-seeking-women category and search for the word "critic" you'll find episodes 1-6 of some clever single fellow snarking on the best lines from the local (VT and NH) women-seeking-men ads. Here's a selection of his work:

“GOOD EVENING GENTLEMEN!!! I AM A SEXY!! BRUNETTE.!!!! I CAN HOST, OR DO A CAR DATE. I AM A CLEAN, SAFE, DRUG FREE PERSON. FOR DONATION AND CONTACT NUMBER, PLEASE E-MAIL ME.”
Donation? Car date? Something tells me if you ask this chick if she’s free for the evening, the answer would be “yes and no.”

“The personality that makes me unique is my wacky personality.”
And I have multiple personalities, so it’s a roll of the dice whether it’s the wacky one that comes out or the one that tells me to snap your head off like a dandelion and drink your spinal fluid.

“Im not quite not too sure on where to start…”
Not quite not too sure? Start by attempting to diagram that sentence.. You’ll need a protractor and a crowbar.

“I am looking for a real man key word there”
I wonder how many different ways that sentence could be interpreted if it had just a little bit of punctuation. “I am looking for a real man key. Word. There.” No, that can’t be it. “I am looking for a real man. Key word: ‘there’.” Nope, that doesn’t work either.

“No vegans please.” Okay, this just fascinates me. No vegans? I’m a die hard carnivore, and always will be, but why would anyone give a shit whether or not someone else eats meat, cheese and eggs? “You will eat this omelette, and by God, you will enjoy it!” My next personal ad will say “Carbon footprint must meet or exceed my own.”

"Iam looking for a n email male single frined.to get to know each other over the internet first and then hopefuly more after that ,iam a bbw,i smoke cigarttes .well if interesed email me ,have a wonderful day to to you ".
I’m writing this ad in my word processor, and my spell check just exploded. Anybody who responded to this ad, give me your address, and I’ll personally go to your house and shoot out your porch light.

"I am italian and french, please don't respond if you are just looking for sex "
Do these two facts have something to do with each other? “We franco-italianos, we don’t a-go for the one night a-stands. Merde.”

I know that a number of attractive, intelligent, single females in the area read my blog. I sincerely think you guys should consider emailing him! And then email me and tell me everything.

P.S. Unrelated: