How to select the perfect vomit bowl.
1. Must be deep with steep sides. Otherwise the vomit will just be deflected all over the damn place.
This bowl would be unacceptable. Too shallow, too wide and sloping. You might as well just puke directly onto the floor because it would actually make LESS of a mess. This bowl will send rivulets and droplets flying everywhere (including in your own hair and all over your clothing).2. Must be large. Especially if you don't have a kind helper monkey to empty your vomit regularly and it may have to hold more than one deposit. But helper monkeys are really best because if you're nauseous, the sight and smell of your own puke can easily be enough to send you into more fits of heaving.
No. You'd think this one would be a no-brainer but I can't tell you the number of times I've said, "I'm going to throw up" and someone, even ER nurses, will hand some dinky cereal bowl. Boy, they won't make that mistake twice.3. Must be made of unbreakable material like stainless steel or plastic.
It might make you feel a little better to gaze at something more visually pleasing, but don't use anything breakable like porcelain or glass. It is likely to get knocked over, kicked, dropped, etc..4. Along those same lines: nothing expensive. If you're anything like me, your vomit bowl will have to travel with you to the emergency room, sometimes via cab. You'll end up leaving it behind somewhere at least once. And exactly how well do you think this phone call goes: "Hi! Yeah, I was calling because I left my favorite barf bowl in one of your taxis (restrooms, exam rooms, whatever) and I wanted to see when would be a good time to come pick it up. It was blue and filled about a third of the way last time I saw it,".
5. Nice wide, solid base.
No.
Now this might look like a great choice at first blush, but bump it around a little first to make sure it doesn't have a small, rocky, tippy base footprint. For obvious reasons... our goal is containment here.6. Lightweight with rim lip to hold onto.
That's a pretty cool bowl, but not for hurling. If you're perched on the edge of the bed all weak, shaky, possibly sweaty, sick, in pain, experiencing fluctuating consciousness, this fucker will slip right through your hands and onto the floor.7. The rim of the bowl must be small enough to fit within the rim of your toilet. Why?!? Because this way you can slip your deposit from the bowl straight into the toilet water gracefully. If your have to drop it from above the seat-line you'll get crazy splashback all over the floor and your legs/feet and the toilet itself.
8. Have one dedicated barf bowl. After you toss your cookies in it, you probably won't want to serve salad out of it ever again.
9. Don't use flimsy plastic or a permeable material like wood. Stomach acid is strong and it will eat into the surfaces of whatever you put it in! Especially if it gets left overnight, God forbid.
10. So what is a good bowl?
Large ice buckets
Many popcorn bowls
The Stanley Cup
P.S. If you have pets you might want to have some type of covering device nearby. Unless your puke is pure bile and acid, most dogs and many cats will try to eat it.
2 comments:
I concur with everything you have said. I would also add that a solid plastic waste paper basket, nice and deep with recessed handles (I got mine at Home Port), is wonderful, because the depth of the container means that your face stays far away from previous deposits, the handles allow for no-slippage, and it is narrow enough to make deposits into the toilet easy. Plus, it's deep and narrow enough to keep most pets/vermin away.
Your study of puke bins is a valuable contribution to the puke science community. Thank you.
Oh, man. Excellent suggestion. We should really collaborate on a book for fabulous sickie chicks. And a special collector's edition written for Siamese cat cohabitants.
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